It is the new year. In a matter of months, I will become the wife of my love.
I am so many emotions in a bottle. Anxious. Determined. Thoughtful. Happy. Ecstatic. Whimsical. Domineering. Submissive. Aggressive.
I concur that this means I am in love. Love is the driver that sets me into motion. Makes me live in colour, sound, smell, sight. It is the red that makes orange and the symbol for fire which ignites through passion. This all is the description of my beating heart.
My heart beats for so many reasons. For the family I am leaving behind. For the family I will now embrace. For the home I must work towards. For the man who I will let comfort me for all nights and horrible times.
I am so scared. The reality of fear dawns like the sadness of the sun’s departure. I cannot anticipate the moments that will transpire before the sun shines, or plan or brace. I hobble in the night, hoping to do the right thing until that waking horizon casts a light upon my uncertain path in life.
I have many fears; so many I can cry – but looking at the man who owns my heart and being, they fizzle and die. I become zen; a paragon of peace and tranquility. I place complete trust in him, and shy away from all that is bad and sorrowful.
I hold his hand, and I am confident again. Like coaxing embers which once threaten to desist their flame, I spring alive with determination as his hand lights my passion once more. I remember everything; why I choose the pain of life and the suffering of obstacles. Because these are necessity to achievement of better life, better living and better love.
Help me, I still fear – but lesser now that I know I fear not on my own, but with him. Together, we work against fear like a success story – the end point being us, a home and our future.
Godspeed, determination and fortitude. Show me the way, and deny my imagination ability to fester fear. Recall my angel in my mind, and let me work towards my desired slice of heaven.
Onward march to May, 2010…
